I haven’t felt like myself lately, And I know Why.
I’m changing as a Woman and coming into New territory. I’ve been in such a mood for the past few days and I had difficulty bringing myself to admit it out loud but this is real. I was angry, I was sad, I wanted my feet rubbed, I couldn’t decide on what I wanted to eat, just needed it to be comforting. I’ve been all over the place! One of the main parts of my frustration has come from feeling at a standstill with my writing and my ongoing projects. I was just in a such a beautiful space of pumping out bomb ideas and creative possibilities, then the water stopped flowing. I couldn’t pull myself to push it forward. A whole block in front of me when that’s the last thing that I need.
I want so much for myself, for my life and at times I feel like I’m pressed for time so I get frustrated which dominoes into a Meltdown of catastrophic portions.
I’m learning so much more about myself in this stage in my life and one thing that I’m intrigued by is the pressure I put on myself. I don’t give myself any time to just Be, although I am so patient with others. And I mean patient. Why is that? I ask myself. Where is the grace and tenderness?
I asked myself this very question as I woke up on a Crisp Saturday morning with time on my side. I slumped around and groaned at the pile of clothes on the futon. I’ve been meaning to fold those for 2 weeks now but have yet to make time for it. All the pressing tasks of business and maintaining commitments to others have put me in debt to loving myself.
I decided to answer my question with actions. So I drug myself in the shower, used my peach mango face scrub and perked up at the exotic tingle. I stepped out the shower and took my sweet time drying off. I had to remind myself that slow is fine. I had no where to be and I deserved to pace the time I was taking with myself. I threw on a fresh cotton tee and my comfy jeans and sandals and decided that I was going to treat myself for once but not allow this to be the last time it happened.
I stepped out to meet a lady who has her own pop up bookstore with some amazing titles. I have been following her on social media for some time and have wanted to meet her in person, so I went! Not only did I meet her but I bought myself a brand new book which I haven’t done in So long! I shocked myself at how intoxicated I became at the smell of the fresh pages that slid under my fingers. I held the book tightly against my chest and I grinned. This felt good. I deserved this new book. I deserved the fresh air and the treat of making a new friend.
I sipped on some freshly brewed tea and peered outside the window of the coffee shop I purchased my book and I whispered Grace. This is what it feels like. I was allowing myself to feel and not punishing myself for being angry or sad days before this. I AM HUMAN. I have the right to feel and Embrace all of my emotions.
From the coffee shop, I decided to treat myself to some fresh flowers at a local flower boutique. I told the lady, could you create something beautiful for me, I just want my bouquet to resemble me. She plucked from multiple buckets of flowers, standing for moments to look at me as I looked around the boutique. She wanted to capture my essence in each stem. I was open to whatever colors came together because I knew I was in the right place. What I did with this day, would be exactly what I needed for my spirit. My bouquet was Beautiful, simply beautiful. I held it in my hand and tilted over to take in the smell of the combination. Ahh, just perfect.
My stomach snapped me out of my blissful daze and reminded me that I hadn’t eaten. It just so happened that the building where the flowers were located also housed a vegan restaurant. I wanted to nourish my body with fresh vegetables, fruit, and sustenance that wouldn’t leave me feeling heavy and down. Now, I’m in no way vegan but have been pushing through this month as a vegetarian. This is something that I have been testing out to see how my body reacts. So far, I have noticed small things. Most importantly, I am a conqueror. I can do Anything I set my mind to. I am so strong.
As I took my seat at the restaurant, I pulled out my writing notebook to jot my thoughts and feelings for that moment. I needed to remember Tenderness. My mind was calm, my heart was steady and not pulsing out of my chest because something or someone demanded my time. It was just Me. At that moment, I realized that I am not gentle with myself. I should be treating myself like this at all times. I felt so important, so Loved in every moment of this day. Why was this feeling so new? Because I have been neglecting myself for so long.
The rapid heart rate, rushing, speeding, clothes piled high, patience with everyone else but Vivian has become the norm and oh my goodness, It can’t stay this way.
My meal was so incredible, I just took time to savor every bite, I looked up and out the window aimlessly. I studied people and how they enjoyed their meals. I took in all the spices and aroma floating through the air. I hummed along to the jazz that softly played. I wanted to cry, I was having a ball all by myself. I missed this. I forgot what it felt like to just Be.
I’ve got to get back to Me. And just being. Not worrying about money and what I can’t afford to buy for myself right now. I will stop telling myself ,”I’ll do it later.” I am cautious, intelligent and in control. I don’t need to limit indulging myself with Love and time because this is the essence of being at my very Best.
I am Embracing the Woman I am and It feels Good.
Words for Embracing: If you’re not feeling like yourself, it’s probably because you need more loving, more grace and more tenderness.
Take it Easy. It will be there tomorrow. Take the Day. You deserve it.